Does a 2.0 exist?

I am writing this scared, a bit teary-eyed, and sweaty-palmed—commencing my new motto: Do it scared, do it "bad," do it late, Just Do It *Shia Labeouf voice*.

Classes started last week. I attended my first class today, and my heart is racing. My brain can't stop bouncing between if

I came back too soon, too late, or if I shouldn't have come back altogether (jet-set off to Bali, anyone?). There are so many bureaucratic hurdles to cross, and I wonder if my facial expressions can keep up with the politics between meeting with varying degrees of deans and hunting for a new advisor.

Moreover, a tiny voice keeps telling me that I am not safe here (a vociferous voice reiterating actual events that have made me feel unsafe at Yale in the past) and to run. The truth is, I have been running from this voice for a very long time. It's made it hard to trust anyone here. Actually no, it is just hard to trust anyone here. People are selfish, and academia is permeated with a frigid air of apathy, and egotistical and calculating personas. "There's no place for a creative little empath, ONLY cookie-cutter artistry!", it shouts. "Whatever the big wigs say is novel is the golden ticket, Charlie!" Okay, I'm divulging, but you get the picture.

Today, in a lecture, I could feel the weight of the dense fog lifting. Although still turbid, it was nice to feel lighter again, to move and breathe—brain dexterity that I hadn't felt in two years. The weight of excellence, duty to my family, gender, and race often sit on my chest with personal trauma, and today, I felt some relief. I felt like myself. It was nice to just be a student, and I could feel that flame in the pit of my stomach. This is why I took the leave, to become her again (but healthy; we are proactively avoiding burnout this go-round!).

While the negative, anxious feelings are valid and will stay with me for some time. I am happy to announce positive anxiety: The "good" stress that motivates you. I just have to keep it in check.

Song of today: Sprite by Coin

Anyhow, thanks for listening to my little rant. I appreciate all the love and support, even if it's a prayer I never hear.

Until next time,

Jaye